Chapter 17: Explanations
Leopardpaw wasn't really one for keeping things discreet. But when she yelled at the top of her voice seemingly to every cat on the coast, Razorpaw and Chaospaw were glad they'd been able to get out of camp for a while.
"What do you mean, you're going to the MoonFalls!?" The golden she-cat yelled, eyes widening in surprise and tail freezing abruptly.
Razorpaw winced at his denmate's impossibly loud voice, and he could see that Chaospaw was grimacing as well.
"This is why I suggested we tell Silentpaw" The black tom grumbled, shaking his head roughly.
"No, I think Leopardpaw can keep it a secret" Razorpaw tried to convince his friend - and himself. Leopardpaw maybe wasn't the best at keeping things a secret, but in all honestly, Razorpaw still couldn't find the courage to talk to either of his littermates. After being unable to find that blood trail, he'd lost a vital clue surrounding his father's death, the death that split them in the first place. He felt like he was partly to blame, that he'd let them down for not finding that all important trail.
He'd let them down. He couldn't face them. That was the truth and he knew it very well.
"Are you two even listening to me!?" Leopardpaw demanded, "Going to the MoonFalls, by yourself? Have you both got bees in your brain?"
"No, but if you keep yelling we might have" Chaospaw snapped, "We're serious, Leopardpaw. Keep it quiet"
The golden spotted she-cat still looked disbelieving, "Why do you want to go to the MoonFalls?" She whispered, the shock in her eyes turning into worry, "What if you get lost? Or get eaten?"
Chaospaw snorted, but Razorpaw was dubious as to how confident he really was, "I'm pretty sure when they said birds the size of foxes fly over MountainClan, they were exaggerating. And we won’t get lost. We're going to follow Shimmerpool and Ghostpaw"
"But why?" Leopardpaw repeated; she obviously wasn't going to let this go without good reason, "Why the MoonFalls?"
The two toms shared an uncertain glance. Razorpaw felt his throat tighten up, and he looked towards the ground to avert the other cats' gazes. He wanted to tell Leopardpaw about everything, he really did. But would that mean he would have to tell Stingpaw and Silentpaw too? Would Leopardpaw even believe them? Maybe it would be too much of a risk. He still wasn't sure she was going to keep quiet about them leaving.
Chaospaw sighed, "If we find what we need to know at the MoonFalls, we'll fill you in after that, okay?" He asked, hoping it would be good enough for her.
Leopardpaw shook her head slowly, "But why...?" She started, unable to ask anything else.
Razorpaw felt sorry for her. He remembered how lost he felt when he didn't know why somebody else was doing something. It momentarily reminded him of the time when Wolfstreak had brought Wildstripe's body back to camp, when all the cats were looking broken and dishearted, and he didn't know why. It was a truly horrible feeling.
"We'll explain everything" Razorpaw told her solemnly, padding over to her and touching his muzzle to hers, "Just not now. I promise we will"
He wasn't sure of her initial reaction, as he shut his eyes in hope that she would agree. After a heartbeat she stepped away, and he looked up at her. Her eyes were still round, but the worried glitter that dominated before was slowly vanishing. She took a deep breath, shutting her own eyes for a second, and then nodded towards them.
"How long will you be?" She asked, not out of longing, merely a simple question. Razorpaw felt a light sense of releif. She wasn't worried any more. That was all he needed to know.
"Hopefully, we'll leave tonight and be back by morning" Chaospaw sighed, "It'll be tough, without the travelling herbs. But if we can keep up with Shimmerpool and Ghostpaw on the way there, we might be able to beat them back to the camp"
Razorpaw's paws tingled with the thought of trekking up a mountain, standing on the highest height the coast had to offer, feeling the ocean wind from way up in the sky. He wondered how much of the coast he could see from there, how much of the twolegplace or how many more mountains there were. He wondered what the terrain was like, what kind of prey they could eat, what different things they could see. Being confined to Clan borders could sometimes feel suffocating.
But then he thought about the dangers they'd face, the predators they'd come across, the problems they'd need to solve. He tried to smother these new thoughts away to the back of his mind, but even as he did, he knew they were still there.
"Leopardpaw" Chaospaw mewed, snapping the silver tom from his thoughts, "If anyone asks where we are, say we went hunting early, near the DesertClan border. We should be back before anyone gets suspicious"
She nodded detirmindly, "Alright. I will"
Chaospaw nodded and turned to Razorpaw, "I suggest you get something to eat and rest until we leave. We may not have time to hunt"
"Alright" Razorpaw agreed, looking from Chaospaw to Leopardpaw. Hopefully, things would all go as Chaospaw had planned. If by some chance they didn't...
Best not think about that.
"Alright then" Chaospaw turned his gaze towards the bright blue sky, "Tonight, we leave for the Moonfalls"
----
The last rays of warm evening sunlight finally vanished from veiw. The previously orangy-pink sky was growing a new, purple-blue shade, and the very first of the glimmering stars were beggining to show. The sky was cloudless, just what they needed, and the moon was rising from across the ocean.
It was almost time to go.
Razorpaw hurridly gulped down the rest of his mouse. He'd had more than usual, taking his friend's advice to keep himself full in case they didn't have time to hunt. Leopardpaw and Chaospaw were having a quiet conversation over by the Nursery, most probably setting the final preparations for their journey.
Shimmerpool was sat outside her den, waiting for Ghostpaw to prepare the travelling herbs for them both. Thunderclaw was dazing in the sun beside her - his wound from the rogue attack was close to healed, although Shimmerpool had said that he'd probably feel the pain for a while yet. Looking more closely at the golden tom, Razorpaw could clearly see the ugly scar across one of his hind legs, a pinkish-red and preventing fur from growing over it. Leopardpaw had been fretting over her father for the entire time he was stuck in the Medicine Cat's Den, hunting for him everyday and without fail fetching new moss for his nest.
That's probably why she's so worried, Razorpaw deduced, glancing away from the injured tom. He remembered a time when golden spotted she-cat would've jumped at the chance to go on such a big adventure - and to the MoonFalls no less. But since the rogue attack a quarter-moon ago, she had lost her impulsive sense of thrill-seeking, seeing what dangers lie outside the clan borders. She had taken her training very seriously, and was quickly becoming a great apprentice.
He looked around the camp again, noticing Cheetahstar sat on her stone on the FallRock, and Darkheart lay by the pool underneath. Wolfstreak, Skyhawk and Nightraven were heading for their den for the night, shortly followed by Yellowgaze and Snowpelt. Sparrowflight emerged from the den just before the other she-cats entered, and the brown warrior padded across the clearing, over to Stingpaw and Silentpaw, who were sharing a squirrel.
He watched with a distinctly hollow feeling as the brown she-cat said something to her apprentice, before turning away and heading back for the Warriors den. The two apprentices continued to eat, shrouded in the shadow of a particularly large leaf near the edge of camp. If Sparrowflight hadn’t gone over to them, Razorpaw doubted he would’ve noticed them. It was like they hardly even existed to him anymore.
What’s wrong with me? Razorpaw shook his head at the thought; They’re my littermates, so why can’t I even talk to them?
He watched them until the squirrel they were eating was almost gone. He felt cold, and it wasn’t just because the sun had set. He felt it inside; in his heart most of all. He wanted to talk to them, but what could he say? ‘Sorry I haven’t said anything for a quarter-moon, are you okay?’ just sounded odd to him. He didn’t even know how they’d taken Wildstripe’s death. He’d not even gone to talk to them after the dog attack earlier.
What’s wrong with me? He growled to himself silently, shutting his eyes tight. He gave his whole pelt a shake, feeling more lost than ever.
Why can’t I…
“Razorpaw, it’s almost time”
He quickly opened his eyes as he heard his name. Chaospaw was stood before him, nodding towards the Medicine Cat’s den, where Shimmerpool and Ghostpaw were just leaving. They padded across camp to the entrance log, Shimmerpool stopping to have a quick word with Cheetahstar before they left.
“Y-Yeah…” Razorpaw rose to his paws, “Where’s Leopardpaw?”
Chaospaw flicked his ears again to the Medicine Den, “With Thunderclaw” He announced, looking back at the silver tom, “Are you okay to go?”
Razorpaw tilted his head slightly, “What do you mean?”
“I saw you just now” Chaospaw admitted, gaze softening, “You should say something to them before you go” He looked away slightly, blinking, “Although I’ve tried to avoid the thought, there is a possibility something will go wrong. I’m not guaranteeing we’ll make it back.”
Razorpaw again didn’t really know what to say to them. If something did go wrong, and they didn’t make it back, what would happen then? He shivered, forcing his fur to stay down despite the cold he was feeling.
“I-I will” He mumbled, giving a small nod. Chaospaw blinked to him, and pointed his tail towards the Nursery.
“We’ll have to use the gap behind the Nursery” He mewed, “That way we’ll probably reach the MountainClan border before Shimmerpool and Ghostpaw. We’ll wait for them to pass us there, and then follow them up to the MoonFalls”
We’re really doing this. “Alright” Razorpaw mewed as determinedly as he could. We’re really going to the MoonFalls.
“I’ll wait for you outside the camp” Chaospaw mewed as he left, crossing the small stream and as discreetly as he could and headed to the back of the Nursery. Razorpaw watched until even his best friend’s tail tip had vanished behind the den, before sighing emptily to himself.
He pulled his gaze away from the den, looking back to his littermates. They weren’t eating anymore, simply sitting under the leaf together. Razorpaw took a deep breath, and took a pawstep towards them.
What can I say to them? He thought desperately. Should I tell them where I’m going?
Should I ask how they are after the dog attack?
Or if they were okay after Wildstripe…
What can I say?
He would’ve liked to think about it more, but unfortunately for him his paws had taken him to his littermates faster than he had anticipated. Before he had time to properly think about it, he found himself stood just under the edge of the huge leaf the two apprentices had been sheltering under. They were both looking at him, eyes different shades of the somewhat same blue.
“Razorpaw?” Stingpaw seemed surprised more than anything. Razorpaw blinked at his brother, noticing now how much bigger he was in just a quarter-moon. It took him back slightly, but he had to say something.
“Are…Are you both okay?” He asked, feeling awkward and uncomfortable, a situation he wouldn’t have ever imagined before.
Stingpaw continued to stare at him, “Yeah” He mumbled, “Lionfrost took care of the dog. It didn’t hurt us”
“T-That’s a relief…” Although it sounded strange to even himself, Razorpaw was genuinely relieved. He knew he should’ve asked earlier, but he had been scared. Why, he wasn’t so sure any more. Why should he have been scared to talk to them? They were his littermates. If there was anyone, they would understand.
“I just thought I’d tell you…” He started, but was cut off mid-way.
“What happened to you, Razorpaw?” Stingpaw asked suddenly, glittering blue eyes sharp as ice but voice emotionless, “You spend all your time with Chaospaw now. Did you forget about us?”
“What!?” Razorpaw felt stung, “N-No!” He protested, “It’s just-“
“What?” Stingpaw wasn’t having it, “You haven’t said a word to us since that day” His voice changed at the last part, becoming rougher. Razorpaw could see it in his brother’s accusing eyes. He hadn’t got over the death of his father yet. It still troubled him too. In truth, it still troubled them all.
Silentpaw wasn’t even looking at him. She gazed emptily at the ground, misty blue eyes clouded with sadness and grief. She’d never said anything to him, but now it was different. Had she lost hope in him too?
“What’ve you been doing for a quarter moon?” Stingpaw continued, “You even talk to Leopardpaw more than us. I don’t know what we did wrong”
“You didn’t do anything wrong!” Razorpaw felt horrible at what he’d gotten himself, and his littermates into. He never knew they felt this way. That was his fault to, maybe if he’d said something before, they would’ve been able to take the pain together. But he’d left them.
“I…I…” He wanted to tell them. About the star, about the blood trail and everything else. But he couldn’t. If he started telling them now, he’d miss his chance to go to the MoonFalls. He didn’t want to half-explain it to them, when he could perhaps rebuild their relationship later. If he could make it back from this journey, he would tell Stingpaw, Silentpaw and Leopardpaw everything.
“What?” Stingpaw shook his head slightly, his voice colder than ever, making Razorpaw feel just that much worse.
He swallowed; although it felt dry and icy and pricked his throat, “I’m sorry” Was all he could choke out in the end. He shut his eyes and looked away, unable to bear the stares any longer. After a few agonizing heartbeats, be took another deep breath and looked back to them.
Silentpaw was looking at him for the first time. She didn’t seem as distant as she was before, her misty white eyes showing a new, warmer glimmer of forgiveness. Razorpaw began to purr softly. That was the sister he knew. Silentpaw had a good heart. She could never hate her brother. In truth, the silver apprentice thought she could never hate anyone. While she never said it, she loved everyone. That was just how she was.
“Yeah, I’m sorry too” Stingpaw mewed with a rueful sigh. Razorpaw sighed too, glad that both his littermates had forgiven him.
“I’m sorry that I thought you’d give us an explanation”
…W-What?
“I don’t know what you’re up to, but you’re up to something, and Chaospaw’s in on it too” Stingpaw growled, tone so cold it made Razorpaw shiver in fear. He’d never seen Stingpaw like this. Wildstripe’s death had truly hurt him. It had changed him. The black and silver tom’s eyes were mad with grief, it was evident now. It had torn him apart inside.
If only Razorpaw had been a better brother. Maybe he’d have noticed the change in his brother’s heart and helped to fix it. Maybe he could’ve kept the bond the littermates had built since birth.
Maybe he could’ve stopped his brother losing faith in him.
“I’ll stop the rogues” Stingpaw announced suddenly, silvery white claws sliding out, “I’ll tear OceanClan apart if I have to. I’ll track them all down and make them pay for what they’ve done!”
“Stingpaw…” Razorpaw stepped back, breathing quickly in…fear? He’d never seen Stingpaw like this. He didn’t like it. He wanted to run. But how could he? He couldn’t leave him like this.
“I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll do anything if it means I can get back at them!” He padded closer to Razorpaw, so close that their muzzles almost touched, so close that his icy blue eyes felt like they were piercing the frightened silver tom, “I don’t know what you’re doing, but if you get in my way, I won’t hold back”
Razorpaw could’ve sworn his heart was in his throat. He couldn’t breathe. The agonized aura emitting from his brother was choking him. It was just like that time. Like when he had woken up to find the gathering patrol in ruins, his father dead and his siblings broken. It felt as if he was being crushed.
He hadn’t even noticed. Stingpaw had left, padding across the clearing to the apprentices den, not looking back. Silentpaw had gone too, but not with Stingpaw. Razorpaw turned his head rigidly, seeing her at the corner of his vision, pressed up against Vaporsoul in undisclosed fear. The silver queen wrapped her tail around her kit, nuzzling her gently. She didn’t know what was wrong with her, of course, but she tried her best to calm Silentpaw down all the same.
Razorpaw felt numb. He placed his paw on the ground – but he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything. Only the suffocating tension, the crushing aura that threatened to overwhelm him.
It was all automatic for him. As he walked, he slowly regained feeling. As he walked, he began to see clearly, vision not blurred in fear. He could feel his heartbeat and his pulse, the wind against his fur, the night air brushing against his whiskers.
He stopped at the nursery. The whole conversation had happened so quickly, but it seemed so long.
It had changed something inside him, but it had not changed the fact that he was embarking on a journey to the highest point on the coast.
One thing that had changed however, was that the newfound determination to prove himself. And if above everything else, he had to prove to himself that he could do it.
I'll make you belive in me. I promise I will
LOVE IT! 
Iceclaw 
Silverstream 
Congratulate them 
